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Monday, 26 October 2009

There is only a mixing and then a separating of what was mixed.

Thank you, Empedocles.

Alright then.

I don't really have any pseudo-intellectual discussions planned for today, so I'll just start off with my happenings. My life has been going as it has since I moved up here, in a perpetual teeter totter. When I'm high up, things are going awesome and I'm laughing, smiling, and all of my problems seem to fade. And then I fall and things go from good to annoying to the ass slam on the ground, you know, the kind where it shocks your body and you can't force your knees to push you back up. Your ankles are sore, an annoying tingle floods up your spine, and you knees rattle. And it sucks. That's what life has been for me since I moved. It's been like this for so long that I've just attributed this to be how life in the "real world" is like. I only put quotations around that because though I am out of high school and in college, I am not exactly in the real world. I still live at home and don't pay a bunch of bills. Sure, I have a credit card, pay my cell bill, and my car insurance, I'm not living in the supposed real world. But if I am limbo right now, I can only imagine the crippling ass slam of the real world teeter totter. Kind of silly that I am equating the real world of adults to that of a child's playground feature. But who doesn't enjoy a teeter totter when not in metaphor?

The Dandy has been going all right. I got my raise and am now making 7.85 an hour. I think we're finally out of the 'short-handed' phase that we had been in since I cut down my hours and since Kris left. The audience that comes in and out of the store still grates on my every nerve. People who feel as though they can do whatever just because Sue said they could are the most annoying to deal with. Especially the volunteer fire department, a bunch of fat and useless drunks, the lot of them. And then we have the rednecks who can't figure out that soap and water thing. And that toothbrush mechanism is too much. People are extremely diverse, but they all act the same in this area. The kids live up to stereotypes, and their relatives live to rot themselves. It's a degenerative cycle of conformity and body wreaking habits that somehow continues to reproduce. I don't know how.

I've been planning on moving to Rochester to be with Brenden, and I've been sad thinking about leaving my mom, dad, and sister. It's the main reason why I will never move outside of this country, though I would love to live in Greece. But that's another story. And whenever I feel bad about leaving, I go to work and realize that I can't get out of here fast enough. No, dear reader, I do not have green goggles on and think that Rochester will make everything better. In fact, things will be hell for a while as I start my life. But I do not believe that things will be as bad there. I can't convey to you about how annoying and perpetually stressing it is to live here. Burdett is not an ideal home. I never want to live here. Again.

Anyway, what's happened in my life recently. I took two midterms and passed them both. History of Modern Europe saw a B+ and History of Western Civilization II saw an A. I'm pretty proud of that, considering the testing situation, haha. My Russian class is going very well, I enjoy it extremely. I can't wait to learn more languages. I also registered for next semester. Here's a fun situation: I came into Corning with 15 credits. I took 13 credits last semester. I'm taking 14 credits currently. That leaves me with 20 credits left. Okay, I could take all 20 next semester and be done, right? I freaking wish. I can't take all 20 because 4 of those credits is my Russian 3 class, which I can't take until Fall of 2010. Doesn't that SUCK? The answer is hell yes. But oh well, it will give me more time to work and be with my family as I prepare to move.

Ah yes, here's my weekend. Wednesday, I drove up to Rochester after school and surprised Brenden. He knew I was coming, but I didn't let him know when I had arrived so...twas awesome. We hadn't seen each other in a month and were just sooo happy. We had dinner, where I was about ready to kill Jae, and hung out the rest of the night. Brenden and I slept in his twin and hung out before he went to class at noon. When he came back around four, we headed for home, which was fun. He drove and we just sang Disney songs, our own little operetta formings, and just talked and laughed. Gracious, I love him greatly. We made it home and then we went to P&C and walked around a little while. I developed a liking for soy milk and bought some, as well as some more shampoo and wash for him. We went home and hung out before going to bed. I went to school on Friday, I love coming home to him. But then I went to work and what not, crazy. Freaking crazy. People kept wanting food >.<. I have no problem making like 100 cold subs, but if you want hot subs...I'll shoot you (just kidding, kids). Brenden came and got me, he and Kyle talked a while as I rushed trying to fill things last minute, because we didn't stop cleaning (or I didn't, rather) til close. We went to bed around one or so, and I slept the best I had in a long time. We woke up and spent all Saturday morning together. We went to Ithaca, so fun. Went to Wegman's first, where he got a Coca Cola in a glass bottle and some Non Pareils (freaking yummy). Then we crossed over to Barnes and Noble. I bought him two more Orson Scott Card books and I fed my history nerd. Persian Fire (history of the Persian Wars), History of Scotland, Osman's Dream (history of the Ottoman Empire), and Classical World (history from Homer to Hadrian). Oh man, I am in love.

Then we went to the Commons for a short period, the DeWitt Mall, and then to Wendy's. Went home and then he dropped me off at work. He ended up taking my sister to her Charity Ball thing, which I heard that both of them had a great time. Leah said some of the girls there were eyeing Brenden, why not? He is such a great looker. Sunday was a bad day. Brenden had to go back to Rochester and I had to work. Work sucked. I made a bunch of hot food, and I now hate the smell of burgers and philly cheese steaks and anything fryer related. Ugh.

I have little discussions I would love to post, but I think I've put up enough for now. I've been getting a lot of footprints lately, and that actually makes me pretty happy. I urge people to comment on my boring life or to give me points of discussion. I love to talk, obviously. I hope my anonymous readers confide in me :)

Monday, 05 October 2009

Currently
Over the Hills and Far Away
By Nightwish
Kinslayer (live)
see related
Cut me free, bleed with me, oh no/One by one, we will fall..down down

Alright, as I promised, a discussion of _1984_.

Okay, when I first read this book, it was for Mr. Royster's AP Literature and learn to be freaking fantastic class. The book came by as shocking because the overall concept of mind control. But I never got riled up over it and never felt like I needed to discuss it. But the times have changed since then. I'm taking an online English class called Fantasy and Science Fiction, and after reading _Frankenstein_ (again) I had to read _1984_. I remembered a great deal of the plot and had a good idea on when shit was going to go down. But when it went down this time, I was...enraged, almost. I don't want it to seem like I threw books everywhere because of it or I threw a tantrum around the house because of it, but I was definitely more disgusted by it this time around.

Here's why.

Near the end of the book, O'Brien speaks of total control of the human body and mind. The Party sought to control the human mind so that no other thought was given except for the Party. All emotion would be given to the Party and all human connection would be torn away in hopes of having a master race who cared only for their government. And sex played in with this. As Julia points out, the Party doesn't want people to have passionate sex because it would take away the emotion to be used for the Party. More often than not, people feel relieved after sex and have no interest in hatred. Could you really hold a 2 Minute Hate after having an hour or more of fantastic sex? Not really.

The reason this enraged me was, as you might have guessed, Brenden and I have had sex. After being together for two years, we made that second step of commitment. And now that our relationship has reached new levels, this idea of taking away the passion from sex seems barbaric to me. Sex, consensual that is, is a connection. At least for me. When you give your body to someone, you trust them completely. Both of you submit to one another and reach a new plane of connection and trust. This plane is revisited nearly every time you make love. That is what sex is to me. I give him my everything in return for his, and afterwords, we have nothing but love for each other, the world be damned. It's that very connection that O'Brien was talking of ridding! Can you imagine?!

I understand that this is a work of fiction, but this book was not based in a complete fantasy. The world could very easily turn to this amount of governmental control. That's a frightening thought. I know much of you won't care too much for this particular blog, as sex is in the talking. But this is now, though very clumsily into societal thoughts.

A man can talk to men or women about his sex life.
A woman can talk to women about her sex life. But if she talks to a man about it, more often than not, a negative thought about her rises. Why? Sex is just that. Why is it so wrong for a woman to talk about sex? It's not! My friend, Kyle, at works talks to me about his sex life and these women he's done. But if I were to mention the sex Brenden and I have had, he would probably get grossed out or lose complete interest. Why? Because society has told him not to listen to a woman's sexual banter. Okay, this is going to be a TMI post, but you know what? It's my damn blog. I love sex. I would love to talk about it to someone. But there is no one. Ashley and Mary could talk about it, but if I try to chime in, they get all weirded out because me, wholesome Bri, shouldn't be talking about sex. Forget that. Just because I waited to graduate and for Brenden and I to have a sound relationship doesn't make me wholesome. It just means that I did what I thought was best for me, and we did what we thought was best for us. I don't like being excluded from that just because I didn't mess around in high school.

Maybe I'm just thinking too progressively for much of my generation or something, but it's rather annoying to be set aside like that. Also, I was planning on going to stay a weekend with Brenden. Brenden lives with three other boys, all are awesome. None of them cared if I stayed. But when I ran the idea past mom, she flared up. Soooo against it. I can understand it from a mom view, but from my view, I know none of them are going to try anything. And I don't care if I'd be staying with a group of friends. That's what I see them as. Friends. Not guy friends. Friends. The same goes with girls. They're friends. There's an equality playing in my mind that isn't with my mom. But I can't exactly blame her. And yet, I feel the need to. It's not like Brenden and I JUST started dating. Three years together isn't something to be concerned about. Second, he's the only one I have ever had sex with and I'm not going to sleep around, since I've never done that before. If the boys were to try anything, which the chance of that being negative, Brenden would defend me. He's always defended me, watched out for me. So I really wasn't too concerned.

It ended up not happening because mom was going to Georgia with my grandparents to help with my grandpa, since his dimensia is getting worse and worse.

Anyway, that's my post. Next time? No idea.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Heaven queen carry me away from my pain..

So, dispite the line of Nightwish that floweth into my noggin at the time of my writing this, I think I've discovered rather startling about myself. I think that I might just be an atheist. I no longer feel the omnipresence of being agnostic. This was a very shocking blow to me, and here is why.

I raised in the church. I've always been in church, and even when I could no longer go due to things happening in life, I still felt like something was there. I was raised under a Baptist wing when I lived in New York until I was five. And when I moved to Florida, I was a nondenominational Christian and the Calvary Chapel on Minton. A fantastic church, Pastor Mark is one hell of a guy. But I slowly stopped going because I began taking AP classes, and then I got a boyfriend, and then I just never wanted to go because I spent every spare moment of my weekend that I could with Brenden. When I moved back up here on the dreadful day of June 21st, 2008, things began changing, again, in my mind. I didn't really start questioning the existence of God and all of that until I started at CCC (Corning Community College, for those of you wondering). It was in my History of Western Civilization class that I began to have these questions, doubts of all I had ever known. When I voiced them to Brenden, he said that God is what we believe Him to be, and much of that is in our mind, to make us feel a sort of security. And this got me thinking a little further.

Before Christianity caught on, Paganism was the way. Each sect of people had their own pagan beliefs and each felt that this was the correct way to go about. What made people convert to Christianity was the idea of a caring God, not one who punishes for the mildest of deeds, unlike the gods in pagan societies. More than likely, the people who conceived the idea of Christianity were sick and tired of people talking of punishment by so many gods for so many mild occurrences that might offend. Maybe they got tired of having to sacrifice a valuable piece of flock to make amends for something they didn't feel was their fault. There are so many things that came to my mind when I began to question and doubt all that I had ever known. Maybe Mary was fooling around and to cover her tracks in light of this newly forming religion, she claimed divine intervention, immaculate conception. Maybe Moses caught the Red Sea on a good day when the water receded enough so they could swim the rest of the way. Famine plagued the world a thousand times over, who says that the big one that hit Egypt at the time was God's incalculable wrath? I don't doubt Jesus' existence, that's a foolish endeavor to blatantly deny the existence of a human being. But that's just it, he was human. The writers of the Bible were trying so hard to write a fairy tale, that it ended up bringing the downfall of a rising and beautiful culture.

Christianity is an inhibitor. Take a look at the phenominal sculptures before the rise of Christianity. Greece rose out of the Dark Ages, moved from the Archaic Age smile and into something absolutely fantastic. The detail in the sculptures were an absolute phenom. Imagine trying to sculpt that today, without all of the instruments you would think to use. Use only what they had and try. But when Christianity rose, the art fell. During the time of Constantine I, art changed from material to immaterial, the change from the human form to the human spirituality. Was this not done previously in the statues of gods? What made Christianity so damn appealing that hundreds of thousands of people converted at the drop of a hat? It was this that made me wonder, does that mean Christianity can be as easily replaced at the pagan practices? Certainly none of this replacing was an easy business, Diocletion massacred Christian, Nero blaimed them of burning Rome, and so many other things. And then when Christians gained the upper hand, the favor was returned to pagans. Can Christianity be thrown overboard just like paganism that was, so thickly imbued in everyday life that it was thought to never fail? I feel as though it can. If it falls to Islam, or something else, Christianity could still fall.

My study in history and humanities has only furthered my desicion of what path is right for me, and I no longer want to be blinded that something that came out of the blue. Christianity gave power to people who had none, and that's what attracted so many. The idea of forgiveness and power. The Catholic Church abused this. The Protestant Church abused this. Calvinists. Lutherans. Jesuits. Every Christian sect has abused and reframed their idea of the Bible to suit their needs in the persecution of others. Christianity v. Christianity, I wonder who'll win this fight. My first doubts came two years ago when I was disgusted at people distorting the Bible and the peace it was meant to place in one's heart. Now I'm disgusted that people continue to do this, feel as though it's right, and have a mob back them up.

I feel as though a storm of reason has washed over me and left me drenched and shaking in a cold breeze. I want to denounce all that is Christianity, remove it from my language, from my thoughts. Just forget all about God, Satan, angels, demons, Jesus, apostles, and all of that. But when I try, I feel as though pieces of me are leaving too. My childhood was built around God's proposed protection, striving to be good so I can make to heaven. And the dismal thought that supercedes that is...taking away the idea of living eternally. I am petrified of death. And I suppose so were the earliest converts, hoping to live an everlasting life. The afterworld of paganism was bleak, no matter what culture you track down. But not Christianity. Be good, walk the golden streets, no more sorrow or worry, walk among angels. My fear comes from...if I deny this, remove it from my being, then I have nothing to comfort me when I die. But I don't want to lie to myself, blind myself with Christianity or any other religion. I want to be, to die, and live in another world to continue to be. I want eternal life. I want to be with Brenden, my family and my friends for all of eternity. When I die, I want to go to a life everlasting, similar to this one. This is a good life. Life itself is good. I don't need a deity to tell me that life is good.

I don't want to define myself by a religion, a set of beliefs is good enough. I belief that I want to live eternally and never die. But you never know what can happen in a universe as vast as this one. I don't want people to feel as though they have to define themselves by a religion. I think that you are who you are, and no god or devil can make you otherwise. Any religion is an outlet to blame someone other than yourself or natural occurrence. "God works in mysterious ways" when a child is born handicapped. People cannot accept that things are they way they are without divine conspiracy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...I hate blatant ignorance to the world around you, and that's what I feel a religion is. I feel that it's you blinding yourself, making certain that things stay the way you want them to, because you fear what things really might be. A part of me has broken off of me when I decided that I had to denounce Christianity. Sixteen years of my life was spent under this cloak that started to become threadbare. When I moved from Florida, a part of me died and is only revived when I go back and remember that I do still have friends. Another part aches when the man that holds part of me goes away and I can never really expect when he'll be back. Random pieces that yearn for human contact cry when I find how awkward I am at making the slightest attempts at acquaintenceship, because all I want is someone to connect with. My heart is breaking more and more with each day that I realize that I have few true friends. When I left Florida, so did the slight remembrance that I ever existed. When I go back, the memory returns. I guess this is why God was created, to help fill the void for people. But I want no religion to turn to, I want no more lies. No more built in hypocrisy. True life, which religion has stolen from me by fear of hellfire and damnation, has been stolen from me and I haven't the slightest idea of how to get it back.

Next time on Bri's Blog, 1984 and why my thoughts have changed about it since first reading it. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Disgruntled sounds about right.

This isn't really a post for my friends to see and go aw, poor her. This is just me venting about my job >.<

To the Customer
I more or less hate you. Yes, hate you. More than 90% of you that treks into my store deserves such. A small percentage is neutral, a smaller percentage is acceptable, even likable. But for the most part, I hate. 1) Just because I work here DOES NOT mean that I know every damn thing about the lottery machine. So don't freaking yell at me or get irritated because it's taking me longer than six seconds to figure it out. 2) Don't, ever in your life, tell me how to do my job. I've been doing this for a while now, all you do is stand on the other side of the counter. Don't ever get the notion in your head that you know better than I the workings of this system. 3) THE IDENTISCANS DO NOT GO TO THE GOVERNMENT! How many times do we need to explain this to you so can stop whining like little bitches?! It stays here. It records an ID scan with the beer sale so I can keep my job. So shut up. 4) If I am busy making like six subs and running between sub station and pizza station making or cutting pizzas and the like, STOP STANDING THERE AND USE THE DAMN KIOSK! You don't need to wait for me to take your freaking order when the touch screen is right-fucking-there. It's easy. TOUCH SCREEN TO BEGIN! Grrr. 5) Don't order a slice of pizza if there is none in the warmer, chances are, none is in there because WE'RE TOO BUSY TO MAKE IT! So stop. 6) If the beer you want is not stocked, do NOT invite yourself into the cooler to get it, nor pull me away from a busy job to get it for you. Fucking wait. 7) I don't care how old the pizza looks, if it's ten o-clock at night you have the munches, get something else. I will not make you a fresh pizza that no one else will get. And no, you won't get it for a discounted price or for free just because it looks the way it does. If you want it, you pay for it. Screw you. 8) Don't harrass me because it took me a little bit to get to you at the register, if we're busy, give us a break. We don't need your shit because you had to wait an extra minute. 9) IF I AM MOPPING, WIPE YOUR GODDAMN FEET! Oh my goodness, is it that hard to do? I put the sign up, you see it, you wipe your muddy ass farmer boots, and then walk. Don't walk on my nicely mopped floor with mud just pouring out your ass. Not cool, and I will kill you.

To Sue
You are a moron. I have been busting my ass since I got to this place and I should have gotten a raise by now. You have profusely lied saying that you and Scott sent my raise to the office back in June. Yeah well, get on them to get me that raise. Me and Kyle both deserve it. We've dealt with this shit for too long without some form of monetary backup. Oh yeah, and hire some fucking people. If I weren't always reliable to come in when someone called off, the store would fall the fuck over. Hire someone else. In fact, hire some younger people, like my and Kyle's age. We hate working with 30+ people, because they hate that we know more than they do about this job.

To Dandy Mini Mart
Fuck you. Plain and simple. I bust my ass with that stupid shirt on and you don't give us shit. What do you give us other than a skimpy paycheck that doesn't nearly cover the shit we do and deal with, and constant aches? You don't give us shit. We get no free food, free drinks, not even a discount. We're working for you for 8 or 9 hours a day and you have nothing to give us? Yet you always yell and reprimand us for nothing? Oh yeah, and your get gas and then pay thing. You want me to clean this store spotless, run the register, keep track of who drives what, AND make sure it all gets done RIGHT so YOU can make the extra profit? We get drive-offs because of your moronic decision to "trust the people". You are a fucking moron. The people are dipshits that rob you fucking blind because they know they can. Who are you going to punish? Not the people that do that, but the cashiers that couldn't stop them. I hope you anally raped by an Amazonian god with a 24-inch schlong for the next 12 years over a pit of pubic crabs and tape worms that can jump into you while you scream. >.<

Just fuck.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Generation of teen mothers

Or so it seems.

In my old world of Bayside, I can count on two hands the amount of people that I knew, be it friend or mere acquaintance, that have had children or are expecting.

Now, this will seem....conservative, I suppose is the correct word, but I did warn you.

Shelby had a child, it could have killed her due to her diabetes, she didn't want it at first, but she waited too long to get the abortion, and the father wasn't exactly supportive. She had a C-section and now Nathan is a happy and healthy boy. I'm very happy for her, I hope to see him one day.

Ashley had a child with her beau Richard, Robert was born happy, healthy, and with the prettiest blue eyes. I met him, I held him, I soothed him, and I made him smile. On my next trip down, I hope to do so again. I'm very happy for her.

There are more, but if I list them, I think my point will be drowned out.

Do I want to have babies? Certainly, Brenden and I would love to have a family. But the thing is, we want stability first. The first thing I want to do before establishing a family is find stability, a house, a job, and a life knowing that Brenden and I can provide for our children so they can be the happiest kids.

But after seeing my friends and others have babies, this does not increase my drive to have children. Because I realize that having children is more than just sex and then baby and now what? That's not to say that every other teen mother doesn't realize that, but some don't. Four of my co-workers (one being my boss) had children at age 16 or 17 and all of them tell me that they never expected it to be as much of a hassle as it turned out to be. They didn't expect it. And none regret it, well...one does, but oh well.

See now, here's where my opinion will take precedence, as this is my xanga.

Why? Why have children so young? Just because you're living with someone doesn't mean you'll have stability. You want the best for you child, you shouldn't have a baby to make you happy or in hopes of keeping your someone happy. You should have a baby when you feel like you're mature enough and responsible enough to start and take care of another human life. I've worked with children for five years and I know that it's not easy to just day care a child, let alone feed, clothe, and everything else you must do to ensure a good life.

I want to give my child the best I can offer, but when that happens, I hope to have my Bachelor's degree, be married, have a house, a stable income, and a stable marriage before I bring someone else into my world. Like I said, a little conservative, but it's what I want.

But then again, what did the other teen mothers want? I know Shelby didn't want to have kids. Ashley said she didn't, but at times she did. I can't play both sides of the teen mother argument, but I don't want to seem close-minded on the issue.

If given the opportunity, would you want to be a mother right now? At 18 or 19 years old?

I'm still living with my parents, so I know that I'm not ready to be a parent. How could I? And even when I move in with Brenden, I would bet that I still wouldn't be ready for that. We've been apart for much of our relationship, I think it's time we learn what it's like to be together. Besides, I want to go to college and have a degree, to fulfill my dream of being a history teacher before I have a child.

But when it comes down to it, the situation is all a matter of opinion. And this was mine.

Upcoming thoughts of me: Brenden and my three year anniversary; My trip to Florida ^_^